Social Media

You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Song Is About You

That’s us. Who knew so many of us secretly and not-so-secretly craved that elusive 15 minutes. The boom in reality television should have been an indication I suppose. This wave of social media sure the hell is. I use to think that I was above it. There was a time (during Facebook’s glory days) when I scoffed at people who constantly updated their status (unless of course it was of a hilarious nature). To be honest, I am still that way. I guess I am just prejudice when it comes to my social media. Twitter is a constant status update and I am all about that shit. When it comes to Facebook however… ugh… I really don’t care how much of an asshole he is or that you’ve come across the most corny/sappy quote and think that I will be inspired by it if I read your status. I use Facebook in a completely different way from Twitter. For me, Facebook is a way to stay connected to old friends (although I occasionally add new people whom I find interesting) and the only time I craved attention on Facebook is if it had to do with a guy. For example, about a year and a half ago I dated this guy, briefly, for about four months. No big deal… for him, but for me – head meet heals. Anyways, during the “getting over” process I became an insane version of myself on Facebook. The attention whore in me kicked in and it was all geared towards one person. So you want to tag me in a picture? Well it better be next thing to photoshopped because HE cannot see me looking anything but awesome, even if HE has seen me in my next-day hungover state on more than one occasion. Do we share him as a friend on Facebook? Well we better have some f-cking witter banter so that his newsfeed is a constant reminder as to what a great personality I have. Did this guy ever see my desperate pleas for attention? F-ck if I know, I was too busy being sneakishly crazy to ever really pay attention.  In the world of social media my favourite whores are found on Twitter. The whores are as follows:

Knowledge Whores:

They tend to have many followers and a wealth of knowledge pours from them in constant 140 character increments. We follow them because they have something to say or because everyone else is and we are addicted to bandwagons. Either way, we are paying attention and that is what they want. Sure, they have something to offer the Twittersphere and they are often congratulated for this on different levels, but they are still whores. Wanting to “inform” people aside, they dispel their knowledge knowing that they will get a response and will gain more followers and… ATTENTION.

No @ Response Whores:

Unless you are a “big-time” celeb with tons of crazy fans @ing at you all day – RESPOND! If I am taking time out of my busy schedule of being self indulgent to @ you, then the least you can do is acknowledge my existence. We are all whores here; you are not a better whore than anyone else.

The Self-Pimping Whores:

Hello my name is Twitter and today I wrote a new blog, got a new job, was totally hit on, wrote a new song, played at a sweet venue, did a kickass photo shoot, released a CD, gained sooo many followers, had sooo many blog hits, was promoted, was on TV, did a crazy interview, interviewed a crazy-awesome director and it’s totally being published. I just got home from an amazing wine tasting soiree with tons of famous people so I think I am just going to run for an hour and pass out with a refreshing cup of Starbucks tea.

Conversation Whores:

Some people should really learn how to hit the Direct Message button.

The Retweet Whore:

You know what is going through their heads – “Oh no, I have nothing of value to tweet right now, but I cannot and will not lose any followers. Will they notice if I keep pushing the retweet button? Panic, Panic – Retweet”

The Foursquare Whores:

I am pretty sure that all of these people’s parents “accidently” left them at the mall as children. It is the only thing to explain their constant need for people to always know where they are.

The Follow Friday Whores:

I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.

The Funny Whores:

My favourite whore.  No, they are not always useful or interactive but God damn they are entertaining.

I Tweet From Everywhere Whores:

Hey – I’m at work and tweeting! Now I am on a lunch break…still tweeting. Finally walking home from work and tweeting! Damn I am hungry I have to hit up the grocery store. Here shopping for groceries and tweeting. Just heading into the LCBO, I can tweet in there right? Walking again, don’t worry I am still tweeting.  Time to get ready for tonight, thankfully I waterproofed my i-phone – tweeting in the shower ROCKS! Friends are here and they actually brought up the insane idea of taking the subway to the pub! Don’t they know I get zero reception and can’t tweet from there? Amateurs. Convinced my friends to take a cab, so I’m just in the cab tweeting. We are finally at the pub, I forget the exact address and foursquare isn’t working, this could ruin my night. Did some shots, now I am tweeting – night saved.

I Stopped Following You Whores:

There are two forms of these whores. The ones who announce to Twitter that they are mass de-following people and the ones who strike against certain individuals because of the way they do and don’t tweet. It’s not something I personally broadcast, because let’s be honest, anyone can press that unfollow button BUT it really seems to float some people’s boats.

I am sure there are more… these just happen to be the ones gracing my little Twitter world.

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2 thoughts on “You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Song Is About You

  1. Ha! Wonderful! Absolutely hilarious. Love your writing style too!! I’m writing a post of my own called ‘The Unspoken Rules of Facebook”, borrowing a pic and will link you to it!

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