Pop Culture Ramblings · Television · Whatever

“Gossip People (You Sexist Pig)” – A Gossip Girl Parody

Serena and Nate sit across from one another on a couch, holding hands.

Serena: I love you Nate

Nate: I love you too Serena

Serena: Nate… we need to break up.

Nate: What? Why? Is it because I am prettier than you? Because I can start wearing less makeup and I promise to stop using yours.

Nate and Serena look down at their cell phones as they read an incoming Gossip Girl alert.

Gossip Girl: Gossip Girl here. Turns out that having stupid last names isn’t the only thing that Nate Archibald and Serena Van…Tandes…Tadesyomer…screw you t9… Van Der Woodson have in common. Word is that they share a similar taste in makeup. Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover Boy? XO XO Gossip Girl.

Nate: What is it Serena? do you need time to be alone?

Serena: I… don’t know what you mean… but no. I just need to find someone who I have never been with.

Nate: Is that even possible? And why are you even telling me this?

Serena: Because, after being an alcoholic, a cokehead, a slut and a murderer, my morale is really high and it would be wrong to lie to you.

Nate begins to cry. Serena hands him a tissue as makeup rolls down his face. Serena gets up and begins to head towards the door. She stops and looks back at Nate for five minutes. Serena then reaches into her bag and tosses Nate her foundation.

Serena: We’ll always have Natural Ivory.

Serena leaves.

Later that day at Serena’s place.

Eric: Hey Serena. I just got a Gossip Girl blast that you and Nate broke up. Is Natural Ivory really his shade?

Serena stares at Eric, looking him up and down.

Serena: Remember when your hair used be really blonde?

Eric: I’m not allowed to talk about that.

Serena: Why not?

Eric: Because the only things I am allowed to talk about is being gay and that one time that I slit my wrists.

Serena: So we can’t talk about how tall me, mom and dad are, yet how short you are?

Eric and Serena look down at their cells as they receive a Gossip Girl blast.

Gossip Girl: I’ve got a good one for you today Upper EastSiders. Tuns out that Eric Van Der Woodson is now allowed to talk about how short he is. XO XO Gossip Girl.

Eric starts to cry.

Serena: Eric are you okay? Were you hoping it would be about your hair colour?

Eric runs out of the room just as Dorota enters.

Dorota: Miss Serena, these jeans came for you from Puerto Rico.

Serena: My travelling pants! Thanks Dorota.

Serena rips the jeans from Dorota’s hands and heads into her room.

Once in her room Serena unfolds the jeans and starts frantically checking the pockets. A small bag of coke falls from the jeans.

Serena: One dime bag?!?! Damn you Ugly Betty! I specifically asked for two!

Serena picks up the phone and dials. Ugly Betty answers on the other end.

Ugly Betty: Hello?

Serena: Listen Ugly Betty. I know things have been tough since your show got cancelled, but that’s no excuse to stiff me.

Ugly Betty: Serena, I have no idea what you are talking about…

Serena: Whatever Ugly Betty! You tell Rory Gilmore that when I send these pants to Greece, she’s not getting shit!

Serena slams down the phone and begins to pour the coke all over her face, snorting frantically.

Jenny knocks on the door.

Serena: Just a minute.

Serena turns on the tap and washes away all of the coke. Jenny enters the room.

Jenny: Serena, why are you all wet?

Serena: I was having a water fight with Eric… he just left…

Jenny: Is he even allowed to do that?

Serena: (Shrugs) It’s a pretty gay thing to do.

Jenny: Anyways, Dorota said that you wanted to see me.

Serena: Yeah, I was just wondering if you knew where your dad was. I need to talk to him about something.

Jenny: He’s at the loft in Brooklyn.

Serena: Thanks.

Jenny turns to leave.

Serena: Hey Jenny, are you going to go for Nate now that I dumped him?

Jenny: No, he’s kind of lost his appeal… but let me know who you decide to date next.

Serena: Okay!

1 hour later at the Humphry loft in Brooklyn, Serena enters.

Dan: Serena?

Serena: Hey Dan (pauses) Are you crying?

Dan: Yeah. Vanessa and I got into a fight.

Serena: About who is a better writer?

Dan: No. About who’s hair has more natural curl… why? Do you think she is a better writer than I am?

Serena: Yes. Is your dad here?

Dan: Yeah. He’s in his room making waffles.

Serena heads towards Rufus’s room.

Dan: Hey Serena?

Serena: Yeah?

Dan: I have more natural curl in my hair though, right?

Serena: Unfortunately…

Serena walks to Rufus’s room and enters. Rufus is making a plethora of waffles.

Rufus: Oh hey Serena, waffle?

Serena: No thanks. Who are all of these for?

Rufus: (Pauses) I’m not sure. I’m just always suppose to be making a bunch of waffles. What can I help you with S?

Serena: Rufus… I don’t know how to put this…

Rufus: Is this about what’s missing from your travelling pants? I was just trying to relive my rock star days…

Serena: No Rufus… it’s not about my pants. What I wanted to ask you, well suggest to you… is that we date.

Rufus: S, I am married to your mother.

Serena: She’s due for a divorce.

Rufus: Are there are no boys around your age that you could date?

Serena: The only guy I haven’t been with in some capacity is Eric and that would be weird because –

Rufus: Because he’s your brother.

Serena: I was going to say because he was gay, but I guess the brother thing would make it weird too…

Rufus: I don’t know Serena (pauses) Would you start eating my waffles?

Serena: And I’ll let you keep that dime bag that you stole from me.

They both look down at their cell phones as yet another Gossip Girl hit comes in

Gossip Girl: This jut in. It appears that the way into Serena’s traveling pants is… really easy. XO XO Gossip Girl.

Serena grins, kisses Rufus and leaves.

While walking home Serena runs into Chuck and Blair.

Serena: Hey guys!

Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass

Blair: I really like headbands.

Serena: Okay… So have you guys heard? I am officially dating Rufus Humphry.

Blair: Dating your mom’s husband is so 2009 S (pauses) And I really like headbands.

Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass.

All three look at their cell phones as a Gossip Girl blast comes in.

Gossip Girl: Good Afternoon Upper Eastsiders. This just in – Nate Archibald is unnecessarily pretty, Serena Van Der Woodson has officially dated every guy in New York, Ugly Betty and Rory Gilmore are lacking in the cocaine department, Dan Humphry and Vanessa Does-Anyone-Know-Her-Last-Name have naturally curly hair, Rufus Humphry makes a lot of waffles, Eric Van Der Woodson use to have blonde hair, Jenny Humphry likes any guy that Serena touches and will soon be going after her dad, Blair Waldorf likes headbands and Chuck Bass is Chuck Bass.

You know you love me,

XO XO

Gossip Girl

 (c) A Nicole Rashotte Original

 

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