Comedy · Life · Pop Culture Ramblings

My Mother Accused Me Of Loosing My Mind, But I Swore I Was Fine

I bought some books today and one of them is the follow-up to Stuff White People Like called Whiter Shades of  Pale. If you can laugh at yourself I highly suggest you read both and if you can’t then maybe you should still read both an learn how to.

Work was dead today since almost the entire office is at a big conference in New York, so I spent the majority of my day reading this book. Remembering that you sometimes snort when you laugh really hard is best not done in a really quiet office. Alas, I thought I would share with you some of my fave quotes from the book thus far. If you find yourself in any of these don’t be offended – just embrace how cliché you are – I have.

“The news that Conan O’Brien would be replaced by Jay Leno caused white people to erupt with rage and hostility. You might have expected them to lash out and do something about it, like take to the streets or write letters to NBC to voice their dissatisfaction with the network. But no, white people solved this problem the way that they solved the election crisis in Iran: through Facebook and Twitter updates.”

Death of Print Media: “Of course, when you ask the white person if they actually subscribe to a daily newspaper, they will say that they get the Sunday New York Times – which is a bit like saying you sponsor a child in Africa but only give enough money for him to eat on Sunday.”

Moleskin Notebooks: “Much like virtually everything else that white people like, these notebooks are considerably more expensive yet provide no additional functionality over regular notebooks that cost a dollar. Thankfully, since white people only keep their most original and creative ideas in the Moleskin, many of them will only be required to purchase one per lifetime.”

Messenger Bags: “Wearing one of these bags is a bold statement that you might ride a bicycle and like to carry things diagonally.”

Disinfectant: “White people have a number of significant fears: global warming, not leaving behind an artistic legacy, getting fat, the suburbs and flyover states. But right near the top is germs – all white people live in constant fear of getting a cold.” “To fully understand the process of  how to drive a white person insane, all you really need to do is plant the seed of disgust in their mind. For example: Watch a white person touch a doorknob and then eat an apple or a ricecake. Wait a few seconds, then go up to them and say “You touched that doorknob. Think about all the people who touched it and what they did before they touched it. Then you touched that food and ate it. I don’t want to freak you out, but you should probably make a doctor’s appt. I think you have hepatitis now. Seriously.”

Wordplay: “White people find wordplay to be so funny, but if you follow white people on Twitter you’ve probably already figured this out after a barrage of tweets following someone who wrote #IfBandsWereFood.”

Camping: “If you find yourself trapped in th middle of the woods without electricity, running water, or a car, you would likely describe the situation as a “nightmare” or “worst-case scenario like after a plane crash or something.” White people refer to it as “Camping.” “Once in the camp area, white people will walk around for a while, set up a tent, have a horrible night of sleep and walk around some more. Then get in their car and go home.”

Those are a few of my faves as I am only halfway through the book. Thus far, I am thinking I am not very white (minus the bachelor of arts degree he keeps mentioning throughout the entirety of the book). His humour is my favourite kind of humour – pointing out the obvious in a sarcastic manner without being too “big” in his jokes. I like blink and you’ll miss it jabs. Perhaps tomorrow I will share more. If you are white and reading this you will probably go out and buy the book just to re-read what I have written, but if you are any other ethnicity you are smart and won’t waste your money on regurgitation and realize that I have done all the work of sifting through the good and less-than-good aspects of the book for you and put them here on this very free blog.*

*But seriously, go buy the book

Title: Dear John – By: Taylor Swift

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One thought on “My Mother Accused Me Of Loosing My Mind, But I Swore I Was Fine

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