Life · Toronto

You’re Not The Answer I Should Know

My walk home from work is between 35-40 minutes, depending on how many walk signals I can score during that time. Not the longest walk in the world, but it definitely gives you a lot of time to people watch and in the past week I have really picked up on people’s annoying and funny (but mostly annoying) tendencies while occupying Toronto streets (see what I just did there?). Continue reading and I am sure that you will recognize the type of people I am referring to…or maybe you will even see yourself in some of these examples. If it is the latter – smarten the f*ck up already!

The Texter

The majority of people have texted at least once in their life while walking. I am guilty of it and I am one of the klutziest people out there. I have been known to walk into a parking meter while I was both sober and not texting. I was also a server for almost three years, so clearly this is something that comes and goes. When I do decide to whip out my cell phone and send a text message that probably could have waited until I was not on a crowded street and found myself standing still, I do spot checks to make sure that my need to be technologically attached to another human being at all times does not become a physical attachment with a complete stranger. This is just common sense people. If you are going to have your head down, take the time to occasionally look up to make sure that you are not inconveniencing another individual by either smacking into their personal space or forcing them to make a quick dart around you when they realize that you have no intention of giving a shit about where your body ends up. This has happened to me on several occasions. Aside from to sudden urge to trip you and watch in excitement as you hit the pavement, two things run through my head. The first is how do I play off the awkward and spastic side-step that you just forced me into, and the second is “That idiot better be curing cancer with that text message he/she (usually she) is about to send”. Telling you to f*ck off also crosses my mind by I can never gauge how loud my voice is with earphones in and I have to think of the children….even though you will probably end up taking them down while on your texting spree.

The Bike Rider

This is by no means a strike against all people who ride bikes. This isn’t even a strike against the chicks that feel that they have to wear floral dresses while on their vintage bike with a white or pink basket (hot tip – you are not Summer from (500) Days of Summer…and you most certainly are not Zooey Deschanel). The bikers I am referring to are the jack wads that complain about wanting the same rights and privileges as motorists and then suddenly act like pedestrians when it is more beneficial to them. First of all – get off the flipping side walk. If, for whatever reason, you feel the need to be on the sidewalk get out of the effing way. Seriously. I don’t know how many times I have been walking on a narrow sidewalk (since I can’t be on the road and expect to make it home alive) and am faced with a biker hurling towards me that decides that he/she (usually he) does not feel the need to move over and I am left with two options. One – summon my sweet side-stepping moves that I just used to avoid body to body contact with a texting stranger and Two – let the bike run me over. Before I make either decision that visual of knocking you to the pavement enters my head again and I quickly debate and then dismiss my apparent need for therapy – you’ve made me this way! After the sidewalk debacle is over I am pleased to see that I have a walk sign (standing at a red light, is like, just….inhumane). As I step onto the road I let out a muffled shriek because another person on another bike has almost left me toeless because he/she (usually he) has ignored his/her (usually his) red light and proceed to bike (with great speed) right in front of me. Apparently, they have decided that all those biking laws and privileges they have been fighting for are useless because they are just like any other pedestrian on the street. Two feet and heartbeat is their only form of transportation.

Walking Fast To Pass You, Block You and then Slow Down

We all know that people in vehicles love this move. For whatever reason, people don’t like others in front of them while traveling (ignoring the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone in front of you when getting from a to b). There are certain people that like to take their love of the pass and slow down from the road onto the sidewalk. It goes like this: I am walking along (a relatively fast pace because I want to be in the comforts of my home and walking slow is painful as watching Paris Hilton/any heiress with a sex tape attempt to act or sing…or breathe). Suddenly, I notice a shadowy figure fast approaching. I think to myself that either I am about to get shanked or a speed walker is making their way towards me. After a few minutes of trying to keep ahead of this person because, well, I am very competitive…even when I am the only one who is aware that there is a competition going on. That is neither here nor there. The problem, dare I say epidemic I am referring to is when this individual has finally solidified their position in front of me they then do the unimaginable and place their body in the middle of the sidewalk and slow the eff down. I find that these people are a special kind of prick because they also tend to sway like a drunk chick on a Saturday night therefore making it next to impossible to pass them. One of these days I plan on tapping one of these people on the shoulder and asking them what they get out of passing me just to slow down and trap me behind them…and by that I mean sneak up behind them and trip them while laughing as they hit the pavement.

BTW – fantasizing about violence against a stranger is totally normal…don’t believe what Google says when you type in “is fantasizing about violence against strangers normal”. Every one knows that Google lies all of the time. Trust me, I just Googled it.

P.S Ellie Goulding is fabulous.

Title: Under The Sheets – By: Ellie Goulding


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