Life

8 Things I’m Not Ashamed Of (But Probably Should Be…)

1. I talk to myself – a lot. As a person who lives alone, I’ve come to find that I am one of the best conversationalists I have ever met. I don’t just think out loud, I carry on actual conversations and can often times be found in what appears to be a question and answer period. This usually happens when I am reading a book, watching TV or do something retarded (all of these things are fairly common occurrences). Some examples: Fumbling around while making dinner and asking myself why I am such a spaz “Seriously, Nicole…. are you F-cking retarded?” Becoming aggressively mad at a character’s actions on TV “I hope if that other character doesn’t murder you, that you are sensible enough to take yourself out”. Seeing a spider/ centipede/ anything tiny with multiple legs “I am going to murder the shit out of you”. I have a lot of aggressive conversations with myself….

2.  There is a slight chance that I may be addicted to Gravol. If you use it as a crutch, that doesn’t make it an addition….right? Don’t judge. If you lived in a basement apartment under people that seem to get their exercise by pacing around the one room directly above your bed, you’d need something to rock you to sleep too.

3. Dance like no one is watching? F-ck that. Dance like someone is watching and that someone is also paying you. If you know me, it’s pretty common knowledge that if left to my own devices, I will need extra time in my schedule to get ready merely for the fact that I hella-dance while doing so. This can happen at 7:30 in the morning on Monday and will most definitely happen at 7:30 on a Saturday night. There is also dancing that happens while making dinner, before getting into the shower, after getting out of the shower, trying on an outfit for work or the weekend and generally anytime that requires me to be on my feet for longer than five minutes (There was a recent incident in NYC when I was getting ready and the ol’ feet and booty started to move. I had to stop dead in my dance-tracks for fear that the boy in the other room would hear me and bust through the door for fear I was having a seizure…meanwhile, I am caught deer-in-the-headlights mid booty thrust). I don’t know why, but for some reason a lot of my dancing turns into some seriously sexy-times. When I am alone, it’s like move those hips, shake that booty and pull out moves that would straight up put some strippers to shame (probably the ghetto, busted, cheap strippers…but strippers all the same). 

4. I’m a total hypochondriac. I am fairly convinced that Web MD was created by a bunch of assholes who knew that their target audience would be paranoid individuals, like myself, who should probably be sitting on a shrink’s couch rather then perusing the internet, checking symptoms. Let’s not forget that most of this site almost always advises that “if you are experiencing these symptoms, immediately call 911 as there is a chance you are already dead” Seriously people, do you have any idea how many “strokes” and “heart attacks” I have had in my short 27 years? I must admit that I am getting much better. Now when I feel a stroke or aneurysm coming on I can simply “meditate” it away (suck on that modern medicine). A few years back, when I lived with my friend Shane (a fellow hypochondriac), we would plant ourselves in front of the television and watch the often stress-inducing The Doctors. By the end of the hour, we were both frantically checking ourselves for anything that may have resembled one of the physical symptoms mentioned on the show. Needless to say, I have not watched an episode of that in over a year. I find if I am not hearing about death-inducing symptoms or learning about new diseases, it will be much harder for me to have said symptom or get said disease. I have also boycotted Web MD or anything that Google has to tell me about the current state of my body.

5. I LOVE a good sneeze. The way I see it, a sneeze is like an orgasm for your face. When I feel a sneeze coming on I look forward to that sweet release of snot-spray/spit from my body. I look forward to it so much that when it builds up and goes nowhere, I feel disappointed and cheated. When I need that release and my body has denied me of it, I will stare at any bright light I can find to force it out.

Don’t act like you haven’t done the same.

6. I sleep-eat. Some people talk in their sleep and some people murder in their sleep (Seriously, Google it. People have totally used the “But I was sleeping when I stabbed him eight times” excuse…more than once). The only moment I gain a fuzzy recollection of getting up from a dead sleep and raiding my fridge is when I wake up in the morning with an empty wrapper or crumbs in my bed and remnants of food smudged somewhere on my face (I totally understand if you have a sudden desire to wake up next to me – and let me tell you, it’s even sexier than it sounds).

7. I have some sort of oral fixation where I chew gum more than I breath air. People seem to have the most problem with it when they notice me chewing it and drinking beer. “Are you chewing f-cking gum and drinking beer???” they say all disgusted-like. I wasn’t aware that every time I chewed a piece of gum with my beer somebody slaughtered a puppy or beat up your grandmother, because only those two things warrant the reaction I get. A guy I dated seemed to think that it was some sort of OCD thing…but I think that was just to make him feel better about his OCD thing. Who knows for sure. Google, I suppose.

8. To go along with the whole talking to myself thing I have going on, I also have this really awesome habit of turning my thoughts into a musical. Instead of just wondering something out loud, I will sing it…and it’s out of my control. Think Tourette’s meets Glee. It’s one of the reasons that I started watching The New Girl because Zooey BigEyesThickBang’s character on the show does the same thing….although I did notice that they dropped that part of her character before the first season was up. It probably made her too sexy to be “adorkable” or whatever that stupid combo word is that they use to describe a very pretty girl that puts on glasses and uses a baby voice to make it “believable” that she isn’t tapping every one of those guys she lives with. 

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