Friends · Life · Social Media · Toronto · Writing

Texts From Last Everything….

A conglomerate of recent texts from the people in my life…

“I am living alone nowadays, so things like Popsicle dinners are happening as roommate judgement no longer exists”

“Kids are like cats, right? They clean themselves….”

“And you can look into the benefits of coffee while I am gone”

“Post script: Next time we hang out, no alcohol allowed.”

“I might try to crash Bruce Springsteen’s after party…”

“Going to Niagara to drink some wine and shoot some guns (not necessarily in that order)”

“None of this would have happened if you would have come to brunch”

“You’re asleep already, I know it”

“If you bail on me I will murder you….but not before I get the Humber North Campus basketball team to gang bang you”

“Be thankful it’s not a pregnant day. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I f-cking kill me!”

“Read that back to yourself aloud and know you might be the biggest queer alive presently. Your rationale for being too lazy to fold the futon up is simply stunning”

“Oh please. I’m just a down ass bitch. I don’t know what that means….”

“Ugh I am so tired….and my feet smell”

“Hey slut, wanna come over now?”

“I am wearing wildly uncomfortable shoes and the thought of walking is making me iller than thinking of your deformed face”

“Ugh. Hurrrrrryyyy uuppppp. I neeeeeeeeed beeeeeeeer”

“Happy Easter! Jesus has risen from his three day nap. I miss your stupid face”

“You lying whore! You are flirting with braces!”

“I hope you choke on that drink. Never leave me, I love you”

“My plans just got cancelled tonight so I’ll be drinking wine and watching TV. Hello, every night of my life”

And a sample of some of the texts I have been known to throw out….

“Oh Jamal is Jamal. Last time I saw him he was playing in that cardboard box we keep him in….really seems to love that place”

“First ever? How much did that set you back? Did you pee your pants a little?”

“Hope you are pedalling fast….I have drank an entire bottle of wine”

“Awww….I want to shoot a gun so badly”

“5am?? I cannot party like that anymore. I literally did not leave my apartment all day yesterday”

“I impregnate easily. Truthfully, he was a snooze fest….she does have bad taste in men”

“More like best friend ever. I blame the gin….which was all your fault”

“it wouldn’t be the first time I made out w someone I now shiver at”

“Hurry up whore! I am hungry bitch!”

“‘I’ve seen the Discovery documentary on apes with down syndrome, so I know all about you and your kind”

“There is barf just waiting in the middle of my throat. Sexy I know”

“Full address please. I am putting it in my phone so my drunk ass knows how to get there”

(To one of my girlfriend’s) “Want me to send raunchy photos of myself to you?”


One thought on “Texts From Last Everything….

  1. I HAVE to “Like” this …because …well, just because.

    You know some …errr…interesting people who text interesting things. Oh lord….I need to get a smart phone. How sad panda of me….I am now living vicariously though you lol.

    (By the way, some of these were EXTREMELY funny…and some were just..omg disturbing lol.)

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