Life

So, I am reading ridiculous and/or tear inducing articles online, because I like to evoke my bi-polar nature as much as possible. I came across a “snippet” article that spoke about a man who recently had the misfortune of being strangled by his own damn clothing when they became stuck in an elevator door. I feel like this is something that would happen to me. I kind of figured that my obsession with clothing would get the better of me one day. As if my fear of elevators wasn’t bad enough (being stuck in an overcrowded elevator with a bunch of strangers is my version of hell) now I have to worry that these anxiety-inducing steel shafts are out to get people, Final Destination style.

Last weekend, I helped a friend with a photo assignment she had to do. Thought I would put it on here, because, you know….narcissism. The pic below is from the art installation that she did. My pics are the first and last ones.

Image

On a related note, I was talking to someone on the phone the other day and he mentioned my picture (the one of my lips) and made a comment about how when he saw it, he wanted to “plant one on me”. I thought about it after we hung up and I realized that it has been a really long time since I have kissed someone. What have I been doing with my life over the past three or four months that I have managed to not come in contact with someone else mouth and not even think twice about it. I mean, I was busy with work and taking a writing class with a friend and just generally spreading myself thin, but I also kind of feel like I have subconsciously “given up” on guys. I don’t put myself “out there” and quite frankly, I don’t even care to. I rather hang out with my friends who don’t care that I like to chew gum when I drink my beer or that I swear or make inappropriate jokes, than do the whole dog and pony show. Dating sucks. It’s not fun. It’s not exciting. It feels like work….work that I only do to ensure that 10 years from now I don’t become a two-week old dead body that someone finds after they notice ten cats abandoning an apartment (yes, in my single scenario, even my cats have left me). I’m not saying I have an aversion to being in a relationship, but I don’t want to date (although that has become an area in my life that is almost completely foreign to me. The first guy that actually enters into “boyfriend” territory is either going to be one lucky SOB because I have 5 years of pent up relationshipness to give OR I will drive him mental because I don’t remember how to do the whole relationship thing). Very few times in my life have I been excited to get to know someone. Excited in the sense that things did not feel like effort with the guy, but actually like I knew him longer and more than I did, yet I was still curious to learn everything that made him this “exciting” specimen sitting in front of me. I think that is when the early stages of dating is fun and you want to revel in it. Generally speaking though, I just want to jump ahead. Past the stupid games (for fcks sake – can we please stop playing these? Waiting hours to text someone back when all we want to do is enjoy the stupid grin on our face when we see their name on our phone and just text them back. Being vague about making plans because you don’t want to seem too interested. I mean I am guilty of doing this too (but also because I am easily confused by my feelings so I don’t like to lean too much either way just in case) but I really wish we could just put it out there and be done with it. It’s these damn power struggles that ruin some relationships that could have probably been pretty good if everyone involved would have just gotten their heads our of their asses). I digress. I want to jump ahead to when I am with someone and I am not constantly questioning whether he likes me or not or whether I like him or not. I want to be at the point where I feel secure with the dude I am laying beside and letting inside, both physically and emotionally. I mean, is there anything worse than being with a guy and feeling like you always have to have some sort of wall up when it comes to the emotions he is privy to or the physical sides of you he gets to explore. I am not very good at completely letting my guard down with people I trust, let alone some guy I am not sure of. This is why I hate dating. I just want to jump to the point where I know where I stand and I know what I like about my partner and I know that I am not going to get bored and bolt. I just want to throw some track pants on, watch some peeps get murdered Dateline-style, drink some wine, have some sex and fall blissfully asleep. That is my version of a perfect relationship and dating rarely leads to that.

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