So, recently, I talked about reading the book Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein and how much I was digging the message and overall positive vibes that I was getting from absorbing her every word. Well, being the reading whore that I am, I decided that I wanted more – more of what she had to say and more of the positivity that her words were bringing into view. The other day I decided to pick up her most recent book May Cause Miracles A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness. Unlimited happiness? SOLD. The book is literally broken down into pages that are designed to read over the course of 40 days (her long-ass title does not lie). With that being said, I have decided to document every day as I sift through the 40 exercises and track any and all changes on here. Since there is a lot of journaling that goes along with these exercises, you are basically getting a glimpse into the mind of Nicole Rashotte – this could be scary folks, even for me. I know that I tend to write about the gory details of my day-to-day life in an overly sarcastic manner, so this kind of writing, coming form a vulnerable space, is going to be a whole new thing for me. I am going to try as much as possible to not hold back, but there will be my usual self-deprecating and sarcastic nature sprinkled in there in order not to bore everyone into alcoholism (although if you read this blog, you are probably already there…in alcoholism that is).
So here goes, day one of my 40-day road to radical shifts and unlimited happiness.
Week 1 – Day 1
Affirmation: I am Willing to Witness My Fear
I tried to keep saying this mantra to myself throughout the day, even though I felt like some sort of new-age hippie. As the day went on, I noticed that this saying began to feel less foreign when it escaped my lips. I started to feel like it was just part of my day and not that I may be buying into some sort of cult. The book instructs those reading to set their alarm for noon to allow for a “Miracle Moment”. When I set my alarm this morning my biggest concern was “What if it goes off and someone is talking to me? I don’t want to seem rude or them see “Miracle Moment” pop up on my phone.” Clearly, caring too much about what people think is one of my issues. When my alarm eventually did go off at noon, it was a welcoming distraction. Not to get into detail, but today at work was particularly stressful for me and when my phone flashed those words I completely gave up on feeling stressed or overwhelmed and let myself appreciate that one minute of reflection and semi-meditation. I can’t say that that calming feeling stayed with me the entire day, but I was reminded of it off and on throughout and I swear it made a difference in how I was handling the situation at hand.
It’s only day one and already I was able to acknowledge every time I was letting “fear” run the show.
When I got home from work, it was time to do the evening exercise. In this portion I was instructed to get out my journal and reflect on the following 4 questions:
1. What Experiences Trigger My Fear?
2. What Thoughts Trigger My Fear?
3. What Are the Feelings that Come Over Me When I am in Fear?
4. How Does My Fear Affect My Behaviour?
Ready to step into the inner workings that are Nicole?
Answer to #1:
- Feeling like I am being left with responsibilities that I am not equipped to handle
- Being surrounded by a lot of people
- Engaging in conversation with people that I have somehow managed to put on a “pedestal” of some sort
- Being unprepared
- Not being smart enough
- People staring at me
- Not being good enough at my job
- Not being “worthy” of others
- Holding others in higher regard than myself
- Frustration towards not being able to stay away from certain situations that I know are not overly healthy for me
- Fear of screwing up (in general)
- What other people are thinking
Answer to #3:
- “Sinking Feeling”
Answer to #4:
- I get shy/quiet
- Stop acting myself
- I second guess myself
- Sometimes, I sit back and let things happen
- I become overly anxious
- I don’t say what is truly on my mind
- Take a back seat rather than be the “star” of my own show
- Often times, feel like I am losing my backbone
- Make decisions that “regular Nicole” would not normally make
- Let others take over
- Let a lack of confidence seep in from time to time
After I made a list of everything that I experienced from today, I am instructed to write out 3 of my biggest fears, so here goes:
1. Fear of Rejection (fear of being vulnerable)
2. Not Being Good Enough (in general)
3. People looking At Me and What They Are Thinking
It seems super hipsterish or whatever you want to call it, but there is something pretty therapeutic about getting everything that swirls inside your head all day long out onto paper and out of your system.
After all is said and done, at the end of the day, the book instructs you to meditate for a bit. So I sat there, back straight, eyes closed and palms face up on my knees, just thinking about my day. The things I did, the things I thought and the things that I wrote. Personally, I thought the meditation part was going to be the hardest due to my Web MD diagnosed A.D.D, but I actually was able to concentrate on my breathing and really think about my fears and why they may be present.
Overall, I would say that day 1 was a relative success (I even decided to skip ice cold beers in lieu of jogging, reading, meditating and just catching up on some good old fashion me time). I know that every day is not going to be roses and butterflies but I want to at least give this whole “unlimited happiness” thing a shot. I mean, is there anything more important than being happy? It is the ultimate goal in human existence and I am hoping that once I get happy, I can create happiness in others as well (I’m so thoughtful and giving).
Now I am going to go listen to ocean sounds and drift off into a lovely slumber (without the aide of alcohol or Gravol….this will probably put them out of business).
P.S I just tried a hair masque by “Clear” and it is AMAZING. My hair is so soft that my fingers cannot get enough of it.
Good night all