Comedy · Friends · Life · Toronto · Writing

Diary of the Unemployed: Day 2

I am writing this on Day 3, because apparently unemployment makes me lazy. I actually had a fairly productive Day 2. Thanks to having a puppy, every day starts no later than 7:30 in the morning (no matter if you are hungover or not…which I was yesterday…more on that later). So, I got up….dragged my ass to feed Bosco and then take him for a walk; a walk that the little dick refuses to enjoy. After that, I played with the Bosman for what felt like 2 hours, but was more realistically around 30 mins. I then proceeded to answer a couple texts, most of them from my mom/friends making sure that I have not resorted to slitting my wrists (I have exactly no text messages today….I must be off suicide watch. Thanks for caring for a whole two days, assholes! I kid). I then began doing laundry….most of which was for Bosco… and by Bosco, I mean my mother. Would hate to show up to her place for Thanksgiving weekend with dog blankets and toys that smell like puppy. I am sure that Bosco appreciates the amazing scent of Gain as well. At some point I made myself a PB & J sandwich (might as well start getting used to unemployment food now) and headed out into the absolutely beautiful fall day. Once outside, I noticed how many people flooded the streets of Little Italy. This was around 2pm on a Thursday. I couldn’t help but wonder what these people did for a living. Normally, I would be sitting at a desk, waiting for the next 3 hours to pass. I wondered how many of them were waiters or students or simply unemployed like myself. Maybe some of them had one of those elusive jobs that allow you to work from home. When I was stopped at a stoplight, a fairly strapping young man smiled at me. “Well hello there” I thought to myself. Then, two seconds later, I started to wonder what he was doing out and about in civilization. Shouldn’t he be strapped to a desk, surfing the internet pretending to do actual work? Was he unemployed too? Oh God, I need a man with money right now. Clearly we were not going to be able to date. I mean, why wasn’t he at work? Was he still a student (too young), was he a bartender (too old to be doing that), or even worse…..was he in a band? Well, shit. This will never work. We had so much potential and now his life choices were ruining everything. I guess what I am trying say, is that becoming unemployed, really makes you think about things – things you may not have paid much attention to before. Like iTunes, for example. Has anyone else noticed that they have an updated version of it every other week? Why? What is the need to update it so often, yet nothing seems different? What were to happen if I said no to the update? Would an Apple terrorist come find me and force me into updating? Does the ‘Don’t Update iTunes” button even work if you click it? There are so many things to ponder in this life.

Anyway, after making my way to PetValue and Shoppers Drug Mart (where I got $45 worth of items for $15 because the Optimum Card is one of man’s greatest inventions) I started in on my own laundry and packing for my parents place. I am spending Thanksgiving in my home town. It really couldn’t have come at a better time. Losing your job kind of makes you yearn for home and some fantastic home-cooked meals for a few days. Plus, there is the added bonus of not spending any money. It’s kind of win-win to help ease the blow of your recent loss.

Another thing that helps ease the blow of losing your job are friends, particularly the ones that come bearing alcohol. Thursday my friend and former employee (he was let go back in June) came over for some vodka and to squeeze in the last little bit of patio time. We took the Bosman to one of my fave patio’s in Little Italy and he stole the show. I am pretty sure that he even got more attention than the adorable (and I mean ADORABLE) baby at the table next to ours. It was nice to sit out in the sun and discuss all the ways in which the Company could have been so much more than it was and how sad it was that it all fell apart because people are greedy, self-serving assholes. When the majority of the Company fell apart in June, it felt like someone had broken up this nice second family that we had created. A lot of great friendships stemmed from that place and it is sad to see it all go. I know that it is all part of life….but that knowledge does not make it suddenly stop sucking….unfortunately. Anyway, it was nice to sit there with him and Bosco and just talk about what was next for us. After we stuffed our faces with cheeseburgers and beer, we met up with another former coworker and had beers while watching the football game at my place. Jokes. We had beer and the guys got to see about 30 mins of the football game, until I reminded them that they were in the presence of a chick, and momma wanted to watch some GLEE. You can imagine their reactions when I turned off football and forced two men in their 30’s to watch a musical. This wasn’t just any episode of Glee either – this was the send off of the character Finn and tribute to the actor that portrayed him (as everyone knows, Cory Monteith died back in July). So not only did these two guys have to watch an emotional episode of a musical, they had to witness me try and restrain from ugly crying the entire time (at this point I promptly stopped drinking – this episode was enough of a depressant). At one point, one of them asked (in disgust, might I add), “Are you crying??” Yes, you dick. I am crying. I just lost my job and someone on TV is dead!! Have you no soul?! They left when the show ended, as I proceeded to pass out while watching Scandal. It was basically like looking into the future and seeing the next few months of my life. Let’s make this an interesting unemployment, shall we……




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