Comedy · Fashion · Life · Writing

Diary of the Unemployed: Day 38

Oh, shit. This was today:

30-rock-gif-20(1)

This is what I Googled this afternoon:

“How long do you have after a cell phone company tells you to pay immediately to avoid service disruption”

That’s where I am at these days. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who has asked this question before. Where my derelicts at?!

Seriously though, if anyone were to check my Google searches, they would probably think that I was chugging mouthwash (because I assume that’s what people drink when they can’t afford alcohol). Well, you might as well take a look for yourself…

photo (1)These are the things that I think about. You’re welcome.

Anyway, feeling depressed that I may not be able to communicate with my mom anyone, I decided to do the one thing that always makes me feel better – GO SHOPPING (OK, the second thing….but since it was pre-5pm, I thought it best I not break open the vodka just yet). Going shopping, when you have little money, seemed like the sane and responsible thing to do. I promised myself that I would only buy something if it was on sale…because I can flex restraint like that. I ended up buying myself three things. Some green skinny jeans for $9.99, a necklace for $5.99 (both from Smart Set), and some Burt’s Bees face wash (for the lucky people who are pushing 30 and have more acne, or neckne, than they did at 15).

burts-bees-natural-acne-solutions-purifying-gel-cleanser photo (4) photo (5) photo (6)

So, during my down-and-out moment, before the shopping high, I was speaking with someone about my recent string of unlucky, and they threw out this quote:

“When God closes a door, he opens a window”

While I respect faith and I respect what that quote is trying to say, I thought about it for a minute and it didn’t really seem THAT positive. Let’s think about it. If you were to leave a house, would you rather go through a door or squeeze your body through a window? If there was a fire, would you look at a door and think “F-ck it. Let’s try this little window and see how things go”?? I feel like what that quote is saying is:
“So…you aren’t going to die or anything, but your new life (which is apparently as a burglar or rapist, since they are the only people who use windows on the reg) is going to be shittier than the one you had before. Have fun!”

What do I know though? I am sitting alone with my pup, drinking a Coors Light, watching The Devil You Know, while wondering when my phone will be cut off. I am pretty much in line to star in the reality show The Real Single Girls of Slipping in the Shower and Dying Alone. I’d watch it.

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