Comedy · Fashion · Life · Writing

Diary of the Unemployed: Day 38

Oh, shit. This was today:


This is what I Googled this afternoon:

“How long do you have after a cell phone company tells you to pay immediately to avoid service disruption”

That’s where I am at these days. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who has asked this question before. Where my derelicts at?!

Seriously though, if anyone were to check my Google searches, they would probably think that I was chugging mouthwash (because I assume that’s what people drink when they can’t afford alcohol). Well, you might as well take a look for yourself…

photo (1)These are the things that I think about. You’re welcome.

Anyway, feeling depressed that I may not be able to communicate with my mom anyone, I decided to do the one thing that always makes me feel better – GO SHOPPING (OK, the second thing….but since it was pre-5pm, I thought it best I not break open the vodka just yet). Going shopping, when you have little money, seemed like the sane and responsible thing to do. I promised myself that I would only buy something if it was on sale…because I can flex restraint like that. I ended up buying myself three things. Some green skinny jeans for $9.99, a necklace for $5.99 (both from Smart Set), and some Burt’s Bees face wash (for the lucky people who are pushing 30 and have more acne, or neckne, than they did at 15).

burts-bees-natural-acne-solutions-purifying-gel-cleanser photo (4) photo (5) photo (6)

So, during my down-and-out moment, before the shopping high, I was speaking with someone about my recent string of unlucky, and they threw out this quote:

“When God closes a door, he opens a window”

While I respect faith and I respect what that quote is trying to say, I thought about it for a minute and it didn’t really seem THAT positive. Let’s think about it. If you were to leave a house, would you rather go through a door or squeeze your body through a window? If there was a fire, would you look at a door and think “F-ck it. Let’s try this little window and see how things go”?? I feel like what that quote is saying is:
“So…you aren’t going to die or anything, but your new life (which is apparently as a burglar or rapist, since they are the only people who use windows on the reg) is going to be shittier than the one you had before. Have fun!”

What do I know though? I am sitting alone with my pup, drinking a Coors Light, watching The Devil You Know, while wondering when my phone will be cut off. I am pretty much in line to star in the reality show The Real Single Girls of Slipping in the Shower and Dying Alone. I’d watch it.


One thought on “Diary of the Unemployed: Day 38

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