Comedy · Health/Lifestyle · Life · Social Media · Writing

Diary of the Unemployed: Day 45

Day 45…like…f-ck.

So, lately I have been having some pretty spectacular panic attacks. I think I most appreciate the ones that come out of nowhere. Have you ever been sitting across from a dude you barely know, trying to be all cute and put together, only to be hit with a wave of, “Oh my God, I can’t breath. My hand is tingling…and…shit, so is my arm. Is my whole left side numb? I must be having a stroke. Clearly, some sort of blood clot formed and it just released itself into my body, causing this stroke and inability to breathe. Do heart attacks burn? I mean, it could be heartburn, but since I am young, healthy, and have no known heart disease in my family, it must be one of those freak heart attacks I always hear about on The Doctors.”
??????
Try having all that racing through your mind AND trying to pay attention to what John/Jack/Jared does for a living. No one can EVER accuse me of not being able to multitask (I mean, it says I can on my resume and resumes never lie). Lucky for me, I am also a hypochondriac. So, instead of just experiencing the usual, “feels like 5 Rob Ford’s are sitting on me” my mind likes to add, “and I must be dying.” In my day-to-day hypochondria (which doesn’t actually effect me every day) my go-to disease is cancer. I don’t even need WebMD; I am my own expert in cancer diagnosis. When my hypochondria is paired with a panic attack, I am generally convinced that I am having a stroke or a heart attack. In my defence, some of the symptoms of a panic attack do mimic those of heart attacks and strokes. So, while I might be crazy, I’m not Amanda Bynes crazy. Both of us probably belong on a shrink’s couch, but you won’t find me in a 99 cent, bottom of the bin Value Village wig, with a piercing through my adorable dimple, and asking for Drake to “murder my vagina”.
amanda-bynes-weirdabtAnyway, that is kind of where I am at (actually, that’s exactly where I am at). The funny thing is, the past few days I have been waking up with such a sense of calm; an almost euphoric feeling. At the beginning of last week, I was a total hormonal freak show (somebody please take my uterus, ovaries and snootch from me…I don’t want them anymore. OK, I still want my snootch, but someone can have the rest). Then, by Thursday, something kind of switched. While my life is currently at a standstill, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be…. and I have never really felt like that before. When I block out the lack of money, or the things I owe versus my current supplemented income, I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude, that at this very moment, anything can happen. If I work hard enough, I can have all of the things I envision when I lay awake at night. I guess what I am trying to say, is that one day soon, I will wake up to Ryan Gosling in my bed, while James Franco is cooking me breakfast.

hotties

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