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Thoughts While Watching The Bachelor – Season 18: Episode 1

I will admit, I have never watched the Bachelor or Bachelorette from start to finish. I have tried, but always lose interest because the desperation doesn’t hold my attention the way that you think it would (it probably hits too close to home – TV is for escaping, dammit). Anyway, this season features Juan Pablo and apparently he is the bees knees. To me, he looks like a Ken Doll, with an accent that makes him sound like a stroke victim…but I digress.  I have dedicated myself to watching this season from beginning, to what I am sure will be a vomit-inducing, end. These are my general, and often sporadic, observations on #love, #women, #men, #fashion, #beauty, #dates,  #kissing, #chemistry and many other words that work well behind a hashtag.
Bachelor and Ken

Welcome to my observations of The Bachelor – Season ‘We’ve Lost Count At This Point’: Episode 1

Sean is back in this episode. He is back for another 15 minutes of fame. If you are counting, Sean is now at 30 minutes of fame.

Seriously, am I the only one having a hard time understanding Juan-a-thon? I am not even drinking!
Jokes. I am totally drinking.
I read on the Internet that drinking while watching The Bachelor was a popular thing to do. I don’t want to go against the grain.

juan words

You can ride off into the sunset on an elephant. I am adding this to my bucket list.
Current bucket list includes:
1. Riding off into the sunset on an elephant

Your dad can love you more than anything and still leave you for months on end to fall in love on TV.
juan loves

If you say Juan Pablo five times fast, it sounds like saying it one time fast, but with an additional four times.

According to the first blond girl we see, every chick in America wants to give Juan a hug. Yeah, right…that’s what they want to do. What rhymes with hug me, again?

Apparently ugly people need love too. I didn’t know this until now. Thank you, dark-haired personal trainer that refers to herself as pretty twice in under 30 seconds.
uglySad music comes on to let us know that shit is about to get real.

Juan was so popular, that producers had no choice but to tack-on a whole 2 extra girls. Crazy.

I am feeling legit embarrassment for some of these chicks. Even my dog is turning his head. This coming from an animal who tries to hump any leg he can get at, with zero shame.

Oh, girl. You don’t fake a pregnancy right off the bat! Wait for a guy to become cold and distant before you pull that.
fake preg

Where are my shorthaired girls at? Seriously.

Something tells me that Juan Pablo knows all about 27 girls in one night.

When a girl’s occupation is “Free Spirit” it means that she doesn’t have a job and doesn’t plan on getting one either (also, that she probably doesn’t shave her armpits).
free spiritCanadian girl for the win! Her response to getting the first impression rose? Silence. Pause. “Sure”
AND to top it off? She doesn’t even feel anything for him yet. Oh. My. God. I love you. It just goes to show, humans are all the same. Give us a room full of people who want us and we will be attracted to the one who isn’t so sure. Oh, we are tricky and fickle creatures.
photo (2)Leave it to the Ginger to make the embarrassing mistake of trying to accept a rose when her name wasn’t even called. At least she will probably stay in the news a little bit longer…and that’s really why they are there anyways, right?

Quote of the episode:
“I’m here for you, because it’s you” – Crazy Massage Therapist
I actually think that you are there for him because the voices tell you to be.
voices in head

Ok, that’s all she wrote folks. The last scene was filled with the girls who were eliminated and cried like they had been dating the Juan-Machine for years. Girls, you need to get a grip and stop crying on National television. You thought dating was hard before you went on The Bachelor? Well, your teary-eyed, crazy ass just made it that much worse. Have fun.


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