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Thoughts While Watching The Bachelor: Season 18 – Episode 2

Ugh. I am doing a raw juice cleanse while watching this latest instalment – so bare with me, as I am at my bitchiest.

Happy looks can be deceiving
Happy looks can be deceiving

So, this week was the first of the whole dating bullshit that goes on. I don’t know about you, but when I am really into a guy, I just LOVE watching my beautiful roommate get all dolled up and go on a date with said guy.

Get it girl.

Umm, no thanks.

Alas, this is season 18, so these chicks know exactly what they are getting themselves into.

The first “lucky” lady to go on a date with Juan-ton was Clare.
clare - bachJuan took Clare to see some snow. The Canadian in me wanted to bitchslap the Bachelor producers. Coming from a country that has winter 6 out of the 12 months, being out in snow is the last thing that crosses my mind when I think of going on a exciting and high-budget date. Thankfully he didn’t take the chick from Ottawa. You know she would have been all “Hey dick, why would you take me to see snow? This is the reason I left Ottawa and came here. Winter is literally that bad, that I had to go on a reality dating show just to get away, and you bring me here?? I hope you die” Or something similar to that.

Anyway, they went on a date, in the snow, and there was a lot of giggling and shrieking during a staged snowball fight. At one point, Clare told the camera that she doesn’t do the online dating thing. I hear you, girl! Going on national television and competing with 26 other broads, for some dude I can barely understand, is totally more my speed too. Twinsies. Gag. Eventually the first, of what I am sure will be many, hot tub scenes took place. Afterwards, they jumped out to go watch a guy (band?), that they pretended to know, play some music. It was all very boring. When Juan blindfolded Clare and told her that they were going to chill, I had high hopes for the date. Most of the shows that I watch, that involve a chick being blindfolded and taken to chill, ends in that bitch in pieces and in a freezer somewhere.
juan can't speakOn to the next date…

To be honest, I kind of stopped paying attention at this point because I went into a “I haven’t eaten solid food in 48 hours” daze. The gist that I got, was that Juan and…second girl who was also blond…took some MDMA and then went and jogged a techno marathon that ended in a techno/EDM party-concert thing. Can you imagine taking M and trying to understand anything that Juan was saying?!?!? I’d still take it over the snow date.

Next up, the orgy date….

Again, I wasn’t super focused, but I know that there was a photos shoot, dogs were involved, and the “Free Spirit” had her jealous-inducing A-Cup boobs out, for the second time in under an hour.
lucy - the bachlucy-aragon-naked-591x600At this point, I would just like to point out, that out of the 22 (or whatever) girls that are left at the end of this episode, two of them don’t actually have real jobs! Free Spirit and Dog Lover ARE NOT OCCUPATIONS!
kelly-bachApparently, in the world of The Bachelor, those are legit occupations…which obviously means, that is where I need to go. I need to live in a world where being my unemployed self, actually looks something like this:
photo (61)2When in reality, it’s more like this…
photo (62)2Obviously, The best part was when the crazy chick drank…and became…crazier. I don’t actually know if she was crazy before, because I don’t remember her from last week…or even this week, until she inhaled about eight bottles of champaign.

Hey, girl – I get it. You may not be able to afford stuff like that when you are sent back home. Get it in while you can. Respect.

So she got all messy but tried to pass it off as being “really fun sober.” At least I can admit that I am way more fun when I have been drinking. So, she got drunk and started yammering on about Juan being her boyfriend and how life is all about straddling (Preach). Then, the good vibes turned and they turned fast. I think that they must be slipping some of these girls hormones, because bitch went from “Best night ever” to “I think crying hysterically and locking myself in a bathroom is a good idea.” The thing is, there was nothing that set her off. No girls were mean to her, Juan didn’t dis her, she got a date while a few others did not. I don’t get what got her on that crazy-train, but it obviously got her sent home. I don’t know Juan, I think she has a lot of step-mother potential…
victoria - bachAt least she has an actual job…
Victoria3Well, that’s a wrap until next week. It appears to be the week of chicks getting upset that Juan is making out with other chicks. Should be a doozy.


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