Ok, guys – I have been a little all over the place lately and missed Episodes 3 and 4. My bad. Please forgive me. I did, however, get caught up on all the action by reading the hilarious Amanda Keen, whose version of what went down is over at Red Lips Long Lashes.
So, before I get started on this week’s ‘Bachelor thoughts’, I need to tell you about a pretty sweet contest. This is for allllll you crazy Bachelor fans – so you’re going to Juanna keep reading! The contest is courtesy of ProFlowers, as they are the official floral partner of The Bachelor.
#ProFlowers is giving away a trip for you and a friend to fly to LA and attend the “After the Final Rose” taping. To enter, simply ‘Like’ the official ProFlowers Facebook Page here, click on the Sweepstakes tab and complete the entry form for a single entry. To up your chances of winning, share the provided link with friends on Facebook and Twitter. You will receive an extra entry for each friend who enters! Easy peasy (also a good way to find out who your true friends are). The contest runs until February 20th, so get cracking all you crazy Juan-ton loving cats!
Ok, back to the good stuff……
So, in this week’s episode, Juan’s got 99 problems and a bitch IS 1 (the other 98 stem from his inability to speak properly. I bet that none of these girls ever thought that they would be on a date with a 32-year old man and teach him how to say words like “Paediatric”). The location for this week was Vietnam, or as Juan would say “Vianom.” T’s are not his strong suit.
The very first one-on-one date was rewarded to Renee. Thankfully, Renee has yet to do anything that makes me want to rip my hair out…which is more than I can say for Clare….but more on that later.
Renee is the same age as Juan-a-thon and doesn’t have some stupid ‘not-actually-real’ occupation, like clown enthusiast or professional gum chewer. Maybe Juan liked so many unemployed girls, because he saw a free, full-time babysitter when he looked at them. Nonetheless, he picked Renee as his first date and took her on a giant stroller ride, while they looked at people, places and things that he could not pronounce. Afterwards, they stopped to have Renee measured for a dress…or for the potential selling of her to some Vietnamese drug lord….if the whole “getting a rose” thing doesn’t pan out. They continued to walk around and laugh at what appears to be a homeless kid and then, as they were sipping beer, Renee smiled and said “This is actually good beer” to which Juan replied “What are you thinking about?”
Hey, bro – she literally JUST said beer.
It’s like he cannot believe that beer is bringing a smile to her face. If I am ever on a date and the beer is delicious, best be certain that I am smiling about the beer and not because I am thinking about what our wedding may look like. Anyway, Juan continued on and waxed poetically about their date later in the evening, saying…
“I can’t wait for tonight – to see her on her custom made fit dress.”
Whichever lady breaks first, and completely laughs in his face, will become my lifelong hero.
Renee’s dress ends up being pretty nice – I am in love with that colour of blue. Juan makes the sound of a dying bird, and I think that means that he also liked what he saw. At this point, Renee’s facial expressions are starting to get to me…..I am almost wondering, if that scrunching of the face thing that she does, is involuntary. Like a low-level of Tourette’s or something….
Renee was kind of like my dog when he is horny (which is pretty much all the time). She wanted that first kiss so badly, that I thought her head was going to pop off of her neck because she had it stretched towards Juan’s face the entire time. Get yourself together, girl! He is not even that good looking…and do you really want to have to simultaneously teach your son AND your boyfriend how to read and write? But seriously though, I could have made a drinking game out of how many times she said the word “kiss.” Actually, why didn’t I??
She never got the kiss. Juan thought it wasn’t right because she has an 8-year old son, who I am sure is a diehard Bachelor fan. I mean, watching half-naked chicks getting drunk or watching mommy date this guy who is also dating 20 other woman is totally kosher….just don’t let him see mommy making out with this dude until at least the 8th episode. There are moral lines here people!
Which brings us to the next date – the group date. Or, as I like to call it, Juan’s one-on-one date with Clare while a bunch of other chicks watched. Being the moral guy that Juan-ton is, he took the opportunity to suck face with (and what looked like almost drown) Clare, while the other girls looked on with tears and/or murder in their eyes. The rest of the date was pretty uneventful. I think Clare mentioned how she was just going to be Clare…which is really good to know. It was my main concern the entire episode.
Also, the chick from Ottawa wanted to be seen as a Panda and referred to the other chicks as brown bears. Ouch.
After the date, Clare decided that she needed more from mumble mouth and went to his suite at 3:00am and asked him to go play in the water – translation: they totally boned. She went on and on about how it was one of the best nights in her life, while he mumbled sexual innuendos in another language. Yeah, they are totally on the same page.
Next up was Juan’s date with Nikki. I actually think that she is my favourite…and it’s not just because we have the same name and hair colour (although, that does have a lot to do with it). Juan took Nikki cave exploring, which turned into ten minutes of people begging her to do anything but chill out in one position not moving. During this time, Juan comforted her by placing his hand on her ass and telling her that he was “right here.” I know when I am in a situation that scares the shit out of me, I like to know there is a comforting hand on my ass to help me through. Again, the morale on this guy is just off.the.charts.
At some point, Juan thinks that Nikki basically shitting herself is a good time to start making out. How romantic.
At least she got a rose out of it (I guess….I mean, how are ALL of these girls THAT into him? There is nothing about this dude that I find myself attracted to. I don’t get it. They all must be buzzing off of a ’15 minutes of fame’ high). The date ends with Juan trying to pronounce “Paediatric” for about 15 minutes and Nikki describing that her feelings for Juan are akin to sticking ones finger in a light socket. Oddly enough, that is what I would like to do when I watch these dates.
Juan making it known to Clare, that even though they bumped uglies, it doesn’t mean that he is ready to make her his wifey…..so he puts it on his kid and his love of fairness. Either all the ladies get to ride the Juan-ton express or no one does. I hear you, bro.
Anyway, this was the result of that conversation….
Because she is the first girl who had a guy go distant after she put out…..
She should learn my ‘eat your feelings and pretend that everything is fine’ trick.
Ok, so all of that went down and then he sent home Danielle, the Dog Lover and Alli. This means that all of the unemployed girls are gone, as well as the one chick who was an actual nanny. Blows my free nanny service theory out of the water. At least we all got to see Juan Pablo cry….I’m sure it won’t be the last time.
In other news, I have a great cause to tell you about! I write for the online publication She Does The City and they have partnered with the Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research (CANFAR) for #Kisses4Canfar. Paint your lips red, snap a#smoochselfie on Instagram and help kiss HIV & AIDS goodbye. For more details, visit the She Does The City and CANFAR page, here.
Lastly, Jillian Michaels is coming to Toronto in March, to promote her kick-ass new exercise series #BODYSHRED . I will be attending for a SDTC article. If on March 4th, you find out that I have died – you will know why. Seriously though, I am excited. She seems awesome and it gives me a month to up my workout routine from Yoga to something that will allow me to not embarrass myself in front of this #TheBiggestLoser phenom.