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Thoughts While Watching The Bachelor: Season 18 – Episode 7

No, you aren’t seeing things. I jumped from episode 5 to episode 7.

Here is the basic rundown of episode 6:

Clare and Juan talked about their early morning rendezvous in the water from episode 5. Talk about beating a dead horse (actually, I would have preferred to watch that). Clare wanted an apology and to be reassured that what they did was not wrong. She didn’t really get either of those things but still told the camera how happy she was that the Pabs settled her fears by addressing everything she had been wondering about….even if he didn’t. That was pretty much the entire show, because Clare seems to think that Juan is already her boyfriend. In the end, only one chick went home and that was the lady who finally decided to open up about her daddy issues, only moments before Juan told her to kick rocks. I was surprised that he was not into an openly “damaged” chick. After every rose ceremony, he speaks to those girls like they are his little daughters. I thought someone with daddy issues would have been his catnip. Maybe Juan just doesn’t understand yet, that not giving a rose to someone, means that they are going home. He does always seem to have that ‘child left alone in a mall’ look in his eyes. Total confusion followed by Puerto Rican tears….

Anyway, this week they were in Miami. Juan opens the scene by squawking like a seagull because he gets to see his daughter again. He sees his daughter, it’s borderline creepy. End of scene.

Ok, so we all use the word “like.” As much as we don’t want to admit it or we try and stop ourselves, we use the word. Clare on the other hand, abuses her “like” privileges. The word “like” makes up 85% of her vocabulary. I wouldn’t even make a drinking game out of it, because I would die of alcohol poisoning. Twice.


Sharleen wants some one-on-one time with the Pabs, so she can decide whether or not he is worthy of meeting her family. If it were me, I’d be all over it. For comic relief. If my family met Juan Pablo, it would go a little something like this….

Me: Hey everyone, this is Pabs. Pabs, these are my parents, my grandmother and my dog, Bosco.
Mom: You look like you workout. I could tell through your shirt that you workout.
Pabs: I workout, because I like to on it.
Mom: What??
Me: Mom, Pabs is Puerto Rican…English is his 5th language.
Dad: You know Ricky Martin?
Pabs: I don’t do with gays because they very horny and like.
Dad: Do you golf?
Pabs: No, I like to surf on it and like.

My dad walks away, my mother whispers that she thinks Pabs might be having a stroke, for the 8th time, my grandmother tells him that she met a Puerto Rican once…when she was in Puerto Rico, and Bosco begins humping his leg.

Anyway, Juan is back home and he is talking to his brother about the women (I am not even going to make a comment about the brother’s braces. Straight teeth are awesome…and when he hits puberty and gets them off, I bet his straight teeth bring the odd girl to the yard…maybe). Out of nowhere, Juan declares that Sharleen might be the one.


I’ve had hotter dates with a box of Fudgee-O cookies than he has had with her.
fudgeeoOf course, Juan gives Sharleen the first date, while she gives the same “I’d rather be chilling with Hitler” face that she gave him when he offered her the first impression rose on the first episode.

Classic Sharleen.

You know what face I enjoyed the most? Nikki’s bitch face. That girl hides a pocket knife in her underwear for sure.
nikkibachelorbitchSo, Sharleen is picked but she is confused as to why. The explanation for her confusion is pretty great though:

“Yes, he understands me and we can relate on a lot of things and we have amazing chemistry.”

Oh, I understand now. That makes sense. I hate having those things with a guy, too.

She continues on to say that the one thing that is missing, is a “cerebral connection.”

A what now? You want to know the definition of cerebral?
“Related to the mind rather than to feelings: intellectual and not emotional”

She realizes who she is dating, right? He don’t speak not too good. Come on, woman! The only cerebral you are going to get out of him is maybe palsy or hemorrhage. Also, stop using all these big words and dressing shit up. You think he is dumb. End of story.

Alas, they go off and spend the day on a yacht. They cuddle and kiss and she tells him that he is “trouble.” He asks her about a million times, “What do you mean I am trouble?” She keeps replying, “You just are.” But, what she doesn’t realize, is that he doesn’t know the word trouble and he legit wants to know what she means by that. They are doomed. All I know, is that watching them makeout, makes me want to become Asexual.
kissing bach
In all honesty though, what she is feeling, not knowing if he is “the one” or not, it makes total sense. YOU’VE ONLY KNOWN HIM FOR A MONTH!

Anyway, on to Nikki….who I like less this week than I did last week. So, he takes her to his kid’s dance recital.


At least he lets her know that his kid…who is dancing in the recital…. would in fact be at the recital. Thanks for clearing that up, champ.

After the date, the big “break up” scene with Shar and Juan takes place. Honestly, I am over it. The Pabs did leave us with this thought provoking quote though….

“Sometimes, honesty is not appreciated…and I like it. I rather not bein’ appreciated and bein’ honest, than being appreciated and not being honest.”

Sometimes, it’s like Juan Pablo takes the words right out of my mouth….and then rearranges those words into sentences that no longer make sense.

Now we have the group date. It’s all relatively boring. There are tears, and for once they aren’t Juan’s. Clare bugs the HELL out of me. That is probably why I enjoyed her not getting the rose on the group date as much as I did. I was honestly grinning.

It scared my dog.

It scared me.

Andi ended up with the rose and I approve. I like her. Probably because I don’t really remember much about her from the previous episodes.

Back at the house, Clare continues to complain and act like she is the only broad who deserves to get a rose but didn’t get to go on a date. Nikki hit the nail on the head when she said that Clare “claimed some territory that might not necessarily be hers.” Let’s be honest though, Nikki is a little bit of a bitch….but because she openly shows her disdain for Clare, I can’t help but like her…even if she is kind of claiming Juan as her territory, too.

So, to the shock of no one, Juan sent Chelsie(?) home and he proceeded to cry afterwards. The best thing about her swan song was the glass of champaign that she was holding as the limo drove off. Atta girl!

That’s all for this week – next week are the hometown dates, where Juan determines who has the fattest mom and eliminates that girl.

As a side note, my article ‘How To Disappoint A Girl On Valentine’s Day’ is up over at She Does The CityI know V Day has come and gone (I am a little behind on the 8 ball in terms of getting this post up!) but it is still a story that is sure to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.


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