Ok, ladies and gents….Here.We.Go.
So, I realized that I forgot to mention that Renee went home in part one….that is how utterly boring she is. Anyway, that happened, which means we are left with Clare, Nikki and Andi.
The dream team.
Juan opens the show by unintentionally doing his best Ron Burgundy impression, saying, “Oh Saint Lucia, you are so pretty.”
Pabs names this week the “Overnight Special” because there are no cameras and he will get a chance to talk to the girls with privacy.
Because more talking is what he is looking forward to. He can barely maintain a conversation that isn’t him just saying “Uhmazing” or”Jew know” and he wants MORE talking? No one goes to a fantasy suite to talk. This is when you collect your heels like the classy lady that you are, turn to Juan Pabs, and say;
“Jew know I think you are uhmazing….but, honesty, and I like it. So, bein’ appreciated, I have to sleep alone tonight, jew know?”
He’ll understand….and if he doesn’t, the worst that happens is you go home in a limo, with a glass of champaign in your hand and relearn the English language (trust, you will need it after a month with Pabs).
Actually, this is the BEST thing that could happen. Do you really want Clare’s sloppy seconds? Because you know there is a better chance of Pabs locating North America on a map than Clare turning down sexy times with JP.
“If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be standing in Saint Lucia with the man of my dreams, falling in love….there’s no way I would believe you.”
Apparently Clare is still calling sex with JP “Swimming in the ocean.”
But seriously, a late night swim was totes inappropriate, but attempting to bang three chicks in three nights is something he thinks his daughter will see and be proud of. This guy has no moral compass and his attempts at making it seem like he does….they are as brutal as his facial expressions.
WHY DO ANY OF THESE GIRLS LIKE HIM?
There is nothing about this guy that I am attracted to.
Clare accepts the fantasy suite key.
No shock there.
Juan states that the next day when they wake up, that they will “know a lot more about each other”
The only thing that they are going to learn is what the other one looks like naked.
Even my dog is gagging at this point.
Juan asks Clare why she is thinking so much….obviously he finds it frustrating when people around him are thinking. It’s just too much for him to handle.
Clare finally tells Pabs that she loves him….and he begins to sweat. Now, I’ve never been the first person in a relationship to say “I love you” (it’s a firm rule I have…also…I generally never get to that stage anyway) but, I somehow think that a dude sweating, in response to those three massive words, is not what I would be hoping for if I were Clare.
Next up, Juan tries to seduce Andi. She seems very happy at this particular moment in time, but we all know where that is headed…..
Juan and Andi stride up to random children and begin offering them food and juice. The kids are not fools and decline all offers. Juan decides to get them juice anyway, because he has a daughter and just knows what is good for all children.
After bouncing around the word “think” about a million times, Juan finally asks the big questions….
“Do I think you are someone that would fit on my life?”
I have never been ON anyone’s life before. I wonder what that is like…
Just as Clare had the night before, Andi accepts the key to the fantasy suite and Juan decides to cheers to a “long talking night.”
Andi proclaims that she is on cloud 9.
The next morning, Juan is all smiles (I wonder why) and he proclaims that he and Andi, “friggin’ talk and laugh for hours. HOURS. Like, hours.”
But how many minutes did your talk and laugh for?? That’s what people really want to know.
Andi’s reaction the next morning?
“I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite.”
And they say girls are the clinging ones. I have it on good authority that guys love to let things linger. The Cranberries didn’t write a hit song about it for no reason…
But I digress….
Turns out that Pabs never really cared to know much about her and her past, and preferred cutting her off when she tried to tell him, so that he could just repeat “jew know I like honesty, and I like it.”
Typical narcissistic dude. Sadly, I have come across many of these in my life. I am not being a bitchy feminist though, girls can be narcissists, too. There are just some shitty human beings out there. Plain and simple.
Furthermore, Andi continues on by explaining how she didn’t care for his name dropping stories or hearing about his overnight with Clare. I have been in the situation where I was on a date or dating someone and they began to talk about another chick, whether it be their ex or someone else they found attractive…and all you can think is, “cool, bro…. guess who I am not? The chick you are talking about, so can you stop before I use my female powers that will make you spontaneously combust.”
This is when Andi says something that makes her my hero. Andi casually tells the camera, “It blew my mind that he thought that it was ok to talk about. I’m not an idiot. I am well aware of the situation. I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask. I would love to see any woman, that a man says that to her, and she doesn’t want to just smack him across the face.”
I love you.
What the bleep is she wearing?? I couldn’t find a picture of it….but it was basically Pocahontas meets a tacky 70’s couch. There were fringes… and ugly patterns… and flared pants… and exposed stomach. I don’t know about you, but when I go horseback riding, I like to be next thing to topless as well.
Best moment on Pabs date with Nikki?
“What you thinking ’bout alot?” – Juan
“Can you see the wheels turning?” – Nikki
“I don’t know if anything is turning” – Pabs
He just called her dumb…out loud. He realizes it. She realizes it. ANNNNNNNND…. he uses the “I don’t know what that means” card and all is fine. Dude went to University in America and has been an American citizen for years! He knows what “wheels turning” means and you will never convince me otherwise.
Nikki finally tells Pabs that she loves him and we get a break from her internal monologue about it. Thank sweet baby Jesus.
Chris Harrison tries to take on the role of interrupter for Pabs….it doesn’t go over very well.
Stick to your day job, Harrison.
Finally, the good stuff unfolds. Pabs watches the videos that each girl makes, and while Clare and Nikki gush about how in love with him they are, Andi has a few other choice words for him….that she would like to give him in person.
Best line goes to….
“I want to die if I have to hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time” – Andi
They begin to argue over the fact that Pabs told her that she was in the top three “by default” and Juan responds, saying….
“I didn’t say by default. You gotta understand that….I don’t say default. Whoa. That word, honestly? DE FAULT. Out of my mouth is hard….because I don’t have that word. I say you BARELY made it here, it could be a word that I use. Default? Default? Ok, fine….I used default. I don’t…you know how many times I have used that word? In this conversation, 5 times. Before that? I dunno. This is not a word that I use.”
I seriously peed a little from laughter. Pabs knows that he has a vocab repertoire of 6-7 words and default is definitely not in there. Let’s take the issue of you being an ass-hat and make it about a word you think you just learned. Never mind the fact, that at the end of the day, you told a chick that you are supposed to care about, how she technically shouldn’t even be in that fantasy suite with you. That is a panty dropper line if I ever heard one.
Pabs has no desire to defend himself (unless it’s to prove how small his vocabulary is) and just wants the conversation to be over. He has two “hot blonds” who are willing to throw themselves at him and think that the sun and moon rise and fall with him, so he really wants this conversation, that has nothing to do with how awesome he is, to end, so that he can get back to choices A and B.
Pabs tries to touch Andi and she gives the look of pure disgust and says “Don’t mess my makeup up.”
Bitch is awesome and is finally responding to Pabs the way that I have felt about him since the first episode.
Her parting words?
“No one wants to be with someone who is that honest that it makes you feel bad about yourself and puts you down. No woman wants to be with someone like that.”
Amen, Andi. Amen.
This is why it was announced that Andi will be the next Bachelorette….and I may even watch.
Ok, that is all until next week….The Women Tell All! Maybe Pabs will have added a few more words to his vocabulary by then. A girl can dream…..