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Thoughts While Watching The Bachelor: Season 18 – The Final Rose & After The Final Rose

Or, as I like to call this episode…

Stockholm Syndrome: The Tale of Honesty…and I Like It

My inner bitch and utter disdain for Pabs (and any girl that could actually be into him), makes me want to jump right to the After The Final Rose portion of the night….but I will resist.

So, they are still in St. Lucia and now Blondie and Blonder get to meet Cam-eel-la.

I am prepared for the hate mail here (if only I were that popular), but….his kid…looks like him (and that’s not a good thing) and has a similar demeanour as him (and that is really not a good thing). I feel sorry for the world when she is 32.
bach kid

Clare thinks seeing Pabs with his kid is “hot”. She also acts like he should win some sort of ‘dad of the year’ award. I don’t see what is so special about what he is doing. I mean, no, he’s not beating her around like a piñata…but he isn’t doing anything outside of typical dad realm either. These two chicks are just so hooked. Juan Pabs could blow up a balloon and they would be all, “Did you see the way he blew up that balloon? It just makes him that much hotter. It’s nice to see a guy who can really blow up a balloon. I’m so in love with him…and the way he just blew that balloon up….it validates everything I have been feeling.”

Get a grip.

So, Clare sits down with Pabs mother. His mother asks about their communication. Clare says she loves it….but we know what she really means is…

“I really love it. He says about four words over and over again. I don’t understand what he is saying, so I kind of make up what I think he means. Much like our whole relationship….I just falsely build up what I want us to be and then I smile and nod, blind everyone with my overly processed white teeth and call it a day.”

The conversation gets better when Pabs mom literally calls him rude. Clare divulges to his mom that Pabs made her cry, to which his mom replied “me too.” ME FREAKING TOO!?!?!?!


But no, instead she feels comforted by her chat with Pabs mom. She said that speaking with her confirmed everything that she was thinking about him…and confirmed how much she adored Juan Pabs.

Uhhh….what conversation were we watching? Because his mom pretty much said that he was a grown man-child, with a mad case of ADD and a wicked rude streak. Idiot.

Creepishly enough, Juan Pabs dad can tell Clare that he loves her and that his “doors are always open” but Pabs can only say, “she’s good.” Good how? Good at making you feel loved and special? Good at juggling? Like, what do you mean by that?


Onto Nee-Key

Nikki sits down with Pabs dad and he doesn’t seem as “opened doors” with her as he did with Clare. In fact, he tells Nikki that Juan Pablo isn’t easy. He basically told her that Pabs thinks that he is always right and he is very vocal about that. I think someone should teach JP the word ‘narcissist’. I am sure that he would feel a special bond to it.

Also, I suggest that next season, The Bachelor should retire the word ‘amazing’. There is no way in hell that everything is that amazing, all the time.

So, Pabs family basically told Nikki that Juan will probably bolt if she sneezes the wrong way….yet….she seems ok with that. Pabs waxes poetically, saying:

“At the end of the day, it’s my decision…it’s who I LIKE. Can I keep both?”

Um, hot tip dickweed – they aren’t abandoned puppies at a shelter. They aren’t freaking Pokeman and you gotta catch ’em all.
pokeman puppies

After the meet and greets, the two ladies get one final date with Pabs before he makes his decision.

First date goes to Clare. They fly around in a helicopter blah, blah, blah….and then they get a moment where there are no cameras and no audio. In typical charming JP fashion, he takes this time to be honest and let’s her know that while he can’t say he loves her, he can definitely say that he loves getting it on with her.

“Sex with Clare….and I like it”

They meet up again to chat about his super sweet comment and he tries to smooth things over by saying that he likes one part of Clare (and I assume that part resides below her belt) but maybe there are a bunch of other parts that he doesn’t like. But, just maybe. He’s not sure.

This dude is a sociopath. Seriously, he says that he told her that he likes going to booty town because he’s just being honest. There is a thing called not saying every thought that pops into your head and that doesn’t make you a liar. It’s called being a normally functioning human being, who has even the slightest consideration for other people.

The way he kept pointing his finger at Clare and tapping her lip, telling her that she broke some “no kissing” rule and not to blame it on him. I kind of want to light him on fire. It’s ok, I’m just being honest.

Pabs all but says that he is picking Clare….and that he likes her a lot….which funny enough, is exactly what he says to Nikki after he sends Clare packing and tells Nikki that she ain’t getting no diamond ring, but he isn’t ready to release her back into the wild either.

He picks Nikki for one reason. She is young, naive and has never questioned his intentions. He can keep up his bullshit antics and she will just follow along like a lost puppy dog.

So, we reach decision time. Pabs makes a comment to Clare that he wishes the “earth sucked him” because it was a hard decision for him to make. I think everyone watching their television also wanted Pabs to be “sucked” by the earth. In fact, that would have been the greatest ending to anything I have ever seen. EVER. Sadly, no such thing happened and Clare was sent packing. She left gracefully, by rejecting his attempt at a hug and uttering her final words to him:

“I would never want my children having a father like you”


I am not even being sarcastic when I say that she left gracefully. I have never liked Clare, but in that moment, I respected the shit out of her… blinding white teeth and all.

Juan’s response to her awesome exit?

“Woof. Glad I didn’t pick her”

I hope that somebody sterilizes him.

So, Juan picks Nikki….but not to get engaged to….just to make sure that he still has a “hot” blond that he can “have fun with” And yes, I mean sex. Nikki is in love with Pabs. Pabs likes her “A lot, a lot” and that is how all fairytales go.

After The Final Rose

Clare expresses that she should have trusted her gut and walked away. She got carried away with the idea of what she thought and what she wanted them to have. Honey, we have all been there. When I think about any guy I have had even a semi hard time getting over….it’s rarely about the dude. It’s what you built up in your head. It’s where you envisioned things going and it’s who you thought he (or she as the case may be) was. His/her true self can stare you in the face and you still overlook it and focus on what you thought. It’s a shitty place to be, but acknowledging that is the only way to move on. Good on you, Clare. I hope she finds an awesome dude that doesn’t just want her to satisfy his penis. No one deserves to be used…esp when your teeth are that white.

Pabs come out and basically acts like a stroke victim. He made no sense, didn’t answer any questions and kept saying how private things are private…..except for the fact that he was on a dating show, watched by millions….technically making NOTHING private.

Nikki comes on and acts like an abused puppy or someone with Stockholm Syndrome. Like, he totally doesn’t say that he loves her….but, like….she can totally tell by the way he tells her that he loves sleeping with her. I mean, there is basically no difference between the two…right?!?

Then they bring Pabs back out and he sits with Nikki and it is awkward and sad. It’s actually painful to watch. I shielded my eyes like I was watching a horror movie and my dog ran under the futon. What a mess. Pabs refused to answer the question of if he was in love….or even where their relationship was headed. Chris Harrison tried many times to get something out of him, but his attempts were futile. Pabs wouldn’t budge. The best part of the entire After the Final Rose portion, was Chris Harrison saying, “shower that one off” after Pabs and Nikki left the stage.

Dear Chris Harrison,

I don’t remember if you are still married….or if the rumours that you cheated on your wife are true…but please consider marrying me. I like you….A LOT.

So there you have it folks. Before the show aired, people were so amped up that Pabs was going to be the bachelor. I didn’t watch The Bachelorette that he was on, so I had no idea who he was or what to expect. I trusted my gut though….from the very first episode I did not like the cut of his jib…or that way that his eyes kept trying to attack each other. Always trust your gut, people. Always.

Until The Bachelorette, this is Juan Pab’s number one hate fan signing off!


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